How to be real

I mean, really. Let’s get real for a moment. I have to say that I have grown a lot in a short amount of time. I have written four books, queried them, faced rejection, kept going, taken risk after risk, became a mom, got a promotion, changed jobs, invested in myself, and published my first book all within the last three years.

I’m still the same person, but the experiences changed me. When I talk with friends and family and see them struggling with vulnerability, self-sabotage, and fear, I know what that feels like, but I also know what it feels like when you get through them.

During one late-night query session years ago, I came across a story that marked a time of change. Even now, I can still feel the shift that happened when I read this passage. I had just put my son to sleep and crept into my dim library to write yet another doomed query that I was sure was going to be the one when I came across this excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit.

“Does it Hurt?”

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don’t matter at all because once you are Real you can’t be ugly except to people who don’t understand.”

If you’re not familiar, The Velveteen Rabbit is the story of a stuffed animal who becomes real through the love of a little boy.

I still remember the feeling this passage gave me when no one wanted my stories, and no one seemed to see the value in everything I was doing. I still was racked with self-doubt and fear of rejection. I measured myself by the words and actions of others.

I have found a lot of peace in flying my own flag so people can see who I am and what I’m about. Everything I wanted fell into place once I started doing what I wanted to do. I stopped waiting for permission or some sort of badge that would mean I made it. I took the time to educate myself, and take steps forward no matter how many times I was passed over, rejected, or pushed to the side. To quote The Velveteen Rabbit, “bit by bit,” I grew into myself. I became real. It was hard, and sometimes, it did hurt. But once that happened, other people started seeing my value as well. In my experience, it’s not about someone else’s words, but your own. It takes time, but if you see yourself for who you are and march forward on that path despite your fears, you become so real no one can deny who you are and what you do.

Because I know what this journey feels like I can see those who are on the right path. I can see when they start to hold themselves back or throw up obstacles to protect themselves like a shield. I am a believer in saying yes, despite what life throws at you. You have to own who you are so much so no one’s words can touch you. Again the process can wear you down, but by the time you are real people’s words don’t matter because you know who you are, and you know perfection isn’t the end goal.

I am a real, published author. I am a real romance author. And I’m not done growing, but I am the person I wanted to be three years ago in a lot of ways. In fact, everything I wanted three years ago has all clicked into place in some weird twist of the universe.

When life starts to make you nervous, you need to remind yourself, how real you are. I do.

Onward,

Kathryn