How to get the life you want
I had the privilege of attending this fall’s first Virginia Romance Writers meeting yesterday and heard the lovely Nina Crespo speak about how to achieve your best #authorlife.
Her presentation was so well thought out and well-spoken that merely being in the room felt transformative. I appreciated her attention to collaboration, allowing for time throughout the afternoon to take a moment and reflect before sharing and listening to other people about how to best apply the principles to not just our writing careers, but our own lives.
Here are a few of my takeaways.
Decide what you want
Self-care and mental health conversations are trending these days, as they should be. So many of us have fallen victim to the wants and needs of others. Advertising, social norms, and expectations leftover from other generations have created a world in which people sometimes forget what they really want out of their life. Nina challenged us to consider our own writing careers and asked us to consider what brought us to writing, not the accomplishments, but the process. What do you want?
This question is worth considering in any field, and should not be something that is out of your control. For example, I could not say, I want to write so I can be a bestselling author or sell a lot of books because those are out of my control. If you get stuck like I and a few others did, just keep asking yourself why do you want that. It goes like this:
Why do you write?
To publish books.
Why?
I sell books.
Why?
So people read them.
Why is that important to you?
So I feel like I’ve accomplished something that will live beyond me.
Once you know what you really want, the next step is to filter every decision you make through that lens. If your choices are not in alignment with what you want, then you’re not going to be happy and may end up feeling stuck. If you can’t avoid something, perhaps you can limit your exposure to it, to lessen the impact. If you want to be rich, so you can spend more time traveling, taking on a job where you work more hours is not in alignment with your real goal.
Here’s a quote from Nina’s presentation. “If you’re not clear about what you want, then you are destined to get what you receive. If you understand what you want in your experiences, you’ll know when it pops up.”
Read that again and let it sink in. Do you know what you want? Not what you’re supposed to want, but what do YOU want?
2. Always keep moving forward.
“The brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative. There is a greater surge in electrical activity. Thus, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news.”
We are trained by evolution to react to negative circumstances. We are also taught by cultural norms to seek out stability and sameness. We settle into a comfort zone, and after a while, if we are not appreciated or challenged or our current situation no longer aligns with our goals, we become unhappy. Habitual ways of being and thinking are self-sabotage. If we aren’t growing, we are settling.
Now a word about procrastination. I never considered until Nina’s presentation that procrastination is a protection mechanism. Often people know what they want, but self-sabotage by filling their head with negative thoughts like these.
It won’t work out.
They probably don’t have room.
Someone else will get it.
This is a waste of time and/or money.
What if... what if... yeah, but what if...
I’m fine enough now.
A very dear friend once said to me, “What do you want? The pain of change or the pain of staying where you are?” It’s okay if the answer changes. We change. We’re supposed to.
Consider, what is the most negative repeating thought that you have? What makes it untrue? How can you turn that thought down in your mind? How can you move forward towards what you really want?
3. Every experience is a learning experience.
“We must pay attention to what we do and what we get in return. We must pay attention to how we feel before, during, and after we do our thing…”
We will know we are on the right path when we enjoy the pursuit of our goals, just as much as achieving them. We need to remind ourselves about what our real goals are often and to continue on the right path in alignment with our goals, Nina suggested regular self-reflection.
We should ask ourselves monthly:
What did I learn?
What am I going to take with me from this?
What am I going to leave behind?
This year has been transformative for me in a lot of ways. I started the year an anxious, writer with a book, and am heading into the fall a serene, published author. From this year alone, I’ve learned the following:
How to publish on Amazon
How to publish everywhere else
How to hire good help
Where to invest my money to get results
How to advertise on Facebook
How to start an LLC
How to open a business account
How to network at a conference
My family enjoys my writing
I am worthy
We can go anywhere we want in life, as long as we know where we want to go and don’t talk ourselves out of it.
Onward!
Kathryn
